ruff woof bark bark woof ruff ruff!
ruff ruff ruff. bark. woof bark woof.
(whew, i found the doggish to english translator button!)
mom is out spending another one of her sixteen hour days at the office, and i am tired of barking at that prissy dalmatian that keeps strutting by the window with her pink spiked collar and matching leash. sheesh. some girls just think they are all that.
so i puppy hacked mom’s computer to tell you all a little story. and here is goes.. i hope you like it. because i sure did not.
it was the crisp morning on the 29th of january in a little snowy town called saint louis. and i immediately knew something was wrong when i woke up. mom walked in the door from her dreaded night shift and wafting in on my pleasant morning air was the pungent smell of.. suitcases. yuck. now i do not know if you have ever had the unfortunate circumstance of being downwind of packaged luggage, but it reeks of abandonment and longing. and it is unmistakable.
i tried to warn mom of this cruel perpetrator in our mist, but she just would not listen. so i figured i would try grandpa. he had come to hang out with me because i am his favorite grand puppy. (which is not true. Duke is the favorite. even though he is a window licker. but it is okay. grandma and grandpa still love me bunches) so i tried and tried and triieeed to tell them all about it, but they just would not listen! geez. what does a girl gotta do to be heard these days? it is like i was speaking another language or something.
anyways, mom and grandpa were rushing about here and picking things up there. it was such a commotion that i did not know where i should even focus my attention. but i will tell you what.. i did not like it one bit. something was very very wrong.
finally about mid morning mommy took me on a very long walk, and my fear just worsened. we never took the extra extra long route. especially mid morning when mommy was usually sound asleep from a long night. and extra especially on such a cold day. mommy and i both hate the cold.
when we made it back to the apartment, grandpa was there moving the suitcases into the car, of all things! those terrible terrible beasts. so i tried to warn him again, but he would just not listen. so i jumped in the car to protect him from the awful things and ensure that they did not get mommy too. i am always looking out for her.
so after a little ride, we stopped at this weird lot of cars. i wanted to get into all of them. especially the red ones. but mommy would not let me. she told me to stay close. i did. and i did my best to stay away from those smelly pieces of luggage too. i cannot believe we were bringing them along with us.
and then we all got into this big giant vehicle. it was so big it could have swallowed mommy’s car whole. and even grandpa’s too! it lurched forward and screeched to a stop and swayed a little to this side and that side. and this giant door kept opening and letting more people on and then off again. i was very happy when we finally got off it. it smelled funny.
and then we came up to this big building that i have never seen before. we walked up and the doors magically slid open in front of me. like i was controlling them with my mind. it. was. awesome.
mommy stooped down next to me and told me that i needed to be a really good girl now and be on my very best behavior. so i sat up really straight. i pulled my shoulders back just like she taught me to. perked my ears up to attention. and pointed my tail because.. well, i am not really sure why. but it seemed like the right thing to do.
and that lasted all of twenty seconds.
i wanted to be a good girl. i promise i did! but there were just so many smells and people and shiny things. i wanted to see them all. and they all wanted to see me!
but then mom gave me the look. and i gave her the guilty eyes. and she caved. but i stuck close by her side after that. my nose only wandering to the side once or twice. okay, maybe it was more like fifteen times. but really, that is pretty good for me!
when we finally stopped it was in this amazing space that was full of cushioned seating and all these people!
until i sat down.
and i decided that sitting on the floor was much better idea.
we sat there for a little while until this loud man that was shouting from the ceiling said something about boarding. which was my first red flag.
we got up and started walking. i had no idea where we were going, but mom was with me, so i knew i wanted to go along. we walked into this big round metal contraption. and into this little row of seats. and then we stopped. we just stopped. and stayed there. mom and grandpa sat down. and that was it. i wanted to go visit all the people that were filling into the other seats.
but mom said no. she told me i had to stay. that was the second red flag.
good news was that i found a window!
but mom would not open it for me. she tried to tell me why. something about atmospheres. and pressures. and 38,000 feet in the air. i have no idea. it made no sense to me. she always let me stick my head out when we go out for other rides. that was the third red flag.
so there i was. no open window. no place to go. and the big contraption we were in started making this loud rumbling noise! i knew it. it was the beginning of the end!
we were all doomed. this great big contraption swallowed us whole and there was nothing we could do about it! how could mom have led us into such destruction?!
and then it got louder and we started moving faster. and faster. and faster. until we were going faster than i have gone faster before! it was exhilarating and terrifying and confusing.. and then..
no doom. no gloom. no grand destruction. we just sat there. we sat there for four hours. four hours, people! no wind in my ears. no new smells in nose. no place for my little legs to walk to. it was super lame.
so i curled up and took a nap. what else is a hound dog supposed to do?
the best part of the flight was when mom left for a couple minutes. i could not figure out where she went. but it was the perfect opportunity to swipe her seat. can you all believe that she made me sleep on the floor? doesn’t she know who i am?
it did not matter though. when mommy came back i was not giving up my new found seat. my royal tush was not going back down to that floor. it was hard. and smelly. and i think there was something sticky under my paw. so when she did come back, i went with my tried and true method: avoid all eye contact. i call it the if-i-don’t-look-at-what-is-going-on-it-won’t-actually-be-happening-and-i-get-to-do-what-i-want stare. let me tell ya what folks, it works every. single. time. but if you use it, make sure you give credit where credit is due. it’s patented.
eventually i ended up snuggled on her lap and life was good.
even when the big contraption made these funny noises again. and then slowed waaaay down. it was all okay. because i was finally comfy on mommy’s lap and wherever she was going, i was going to.
when we finally stepped out in the sunny, warm, dry place that mom kept referring to as california, i knew we were on some grand adventure and that i never wanted to get on that big contraption again. ever.
too bad mommy did not get that memo. she made me go in that big contraption three more times since then! but at least grammy is always on the other end with treats when we get out of the big scary thing. she is always so good to me!
until next time and with love!